Guidance & Healing

The Process

So, are we tired of hearing about the past yet? Of course we are! But, it’s taken me a looooonnnggg time to find my voice, and it’s taken me just about as long for me to decide to share this information. I’ve been all hush-hush about it, but where did that get me? This is the season and the era of bringing what’s hidden to the light, and my story should be no exception. Though I’ve grown tremendously throughout this last decade of never-ending challenges, and let’s just say it, bullshit, the trauma that it’s caused me is real. Though my story may differ from others’ in some ways, I know that I am not the only one who has endured something similar. As I speak for myself, maybe I’ll inspire someone else to speak up as well. Our voices have a right to be heard, especially when we’ve experienced abuse in any of its forms.

The abuse began at three different points. Ironically enough, I think the first instance was eighteen years ago when I was around thirty-three years old (my unlucky number, because it represents Illuminati and Masons). By that time, I had been a massage therapist eight or nine years and was advertising on Craigslist. I had been massaging long enough to have reached burnout a couple of times, and I had slowly but surely become a man-hater due to my clients incessantly asking for handjobs. Admittedly, I should have found a way out sooner, but instead I trudged on reluctantly. I ended up going through a good year of someone sitting behind their computer constantly deleting my ads and writing slanderous posts about me. It was annoying as hell, but ultimately it didn’t stop my business. I felt helpless and like there was no recourse, so I never did anything about it.

The next instance was about ten years ago when I was trying to get my shop/gallery off the ground, and my massage business stopped supporting me. It all fell apart along with the rest of my life. This is when the, for lack of a better word, ‘initiation’ began. Everything was flipped upside down, and I couldn’t find my footing. I briefly wrote about this recently in another post. I didn’t really feel abused per say, because I must have been ready on some level for this transformation. I handled it surprisingly well. It was beyond challenging, but I rolled with the punches. I was bruised, but barely. I only mention this one, because it was a very obvious turning point in my life, where everything I knew was being systematically ripped out from underneath me. I’m assuming this was the Universe, but I don’t doubt that these silent enemies of mine were operating in the background.

The third instance was when I moved in to act as a caregiver of sorts (more of a warm presence and housekeeper) for this eighty-eight year-old woman, which I’ve also mentioned in a previous post. After a short time of being there, this is when it all officially began as far as I am concerned. At this point, I became aware of the multiple entities listening to my phone calls and following me. I also started interacting with a steady stream of phone calls every day. They would come through as ‘scam likely, random eight-hundred numbers, and the like. I would interact with them, because I thought they were trying to communicate with me. And, they were, but eventually this became undeniably toxic. The reason this was happening is because they knew that numbers spoke to me, that they meant something to me. This is also when the gang stalking began, but at the time this isn’t what I was calling it.

I was in denial to some degree. I wasn’t quite aware that some of the people behind this were ‘not for me’. My understanding or assumption, via my psychic, was that this whole process was going to be a positive one. Let’s just say, she didn’t warn me. Over the next six or so years to the present time, I slowly began to realize that there was a lot of bullshit going on. My assumption is that I ‘failed the test’, and that I was ‘denied entry’. I feel like the people behind that gave me warning through the numbers that they were going to drop off. But, I kept playing the game, and I believe this is when the true toxicity began. 

Also at this time, it seemed like all the videos in my YouTube feed were speaking directly to me, as if they were all a part of this somehow. This has never really stopped and still a part of my life to this day. It took me quite some time to wrap my head around this. But, I think I’ve figured out that some of them know me and are purposely speaking to me in a sense but that most of them are literally divinely guided. It’s only now becoming clear at just how divinely orchestrated this while thing has been.

I know there are well-wishers out there who thought they were ‘helping’ me, but did I ask for help? Or, was it a bunch of people interjecting themselves into my world without invitation? I felt exhausted all the time. It’s as if a thousand people were pulling at or feeding off my energy every day, and the whole world seemed to be offering advice on how I could improve as a human being. ‘Do it this way, do it that way, you’re doing great, you suck, we like you, we hate you, change everything about yourself, but you got this, girl!’

Some days I was angry, some sad, some confused, and some in complete awe. Some days I felt loved and lucky and others like I was being tortured in hell. Some days I cried my weight in tears. No one came to rescue me, no one offered help. And, outside of the thousands of tarot readings I’ve watched to find answers, none came. I was on an island of my own, floating helplessly in the sun. Maybe this was the point. Maybe I had to struggle through and figure it out on my own. Having no choice but to do so made me strong, wise, and capable. It brought me to where I am today, a little battered but in love with myself and my life. I have very little in the way of worldly possessions, yet it feels like the whole world has been opened to me. I felt empty most of my life, but now Spirit has expanded to fill the cracks and spaces.

I have a love affair with the Universe, and it has continued to open my eyes. I’ve seen, heard, felt, and sensed some things that most never will. I’ve been down the rabbit hole. I’ve had a peak behind the curtains, and it is both unsettling and reassuring. The beautiful unseen is forever in my heart. I am truly grateful for the love and support from the world of spirit, and I pray for an ever deepening connection to unfold. It’s amazing how one night can change perspective. Last night, I wrote a slightly different and more pointed version of this. But now I feel thankful for it all. It had been so challenging for me to release the resentment I’ve felt for so long. But, I awoke to a healing miracle. 

Let me just make this clear. I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t need to be corrected. I don’t need to be humiliated. I don’t need your opinions. I don’t need your input. I don’t need your acceptance. I don’t even need your help. I’ve come this far on my own, and I can get to where I want to go on my own. I don’t need to be a millionaire. What’s most valuable to me is that now I know my true value, my worth, and my abilities, both in the physical world and the spirit realm. What I do ask for is to be left in peace. Actually, I’m not asking. I’m demanding and declaring. I trust that Spirit will generously dole out karma as it sees fit. I will now be letting go and moving on, because enough of my life has been occupied by both well-meaning and not-so well-meaning people. My genuine prayer is that all who have intentionally worked against me in your myriad of ways learn your lessons just as I had to learn mine. You are not the exception, and you are not exempt. Oh, how the tables turn. Oh, how they turn.

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